Friend, the answer is no – it is not too late.  I have good news for  you.  God’s specialty is resurrection.  He excels at bringing life  from death.  Nothing is too hard for God, my friend.  Absolutely  nothing.  He raised Lazarus, the widow from Nain’s son, and Jesus Christ  from the dead.  He even took a bunch of old dried up bones and brought them  back to life and formed an army (Ezekiel 37:5, 6).  He opened the dead womb  of a 90 year old woman, Sarah, to conceive.  “Is anything to hard for the  LORD,” God asked (Genesis 18:14).  Nothing, dear friend, absolutely  nothing, is impossible for God.
Jesus said, “All things are possible to  him (or her) who believes” (Mark 9:23).  A baby is born to a dried up  womb, fingers and toes materialize on numbs on a lepers hands and feet, sight is  given to a man blind from birth, a son is raised right in the middle of his own  funeral procession, the earth stops revolving on its axis for a few hours in  battle, the Red Sea is parted and thousands walk across on dry land.  Now,  tell me, is there anything in your life too hard for a God like this?
I have so many stories of how prayer has changed  men’s lives, but let me tell you about a man named Allan.  Allan was  raised by a single mother with five other siblings in eastern North  Carolina.  His own father died when he was five-years-old, and his country  mother had the daunting task of raising her six children during the final years  of the Great Depression.

As a young man, Allan worked at a small town lumber company driving a  delivery truck.  He graduated from High School at seventeen, became a  soldier in the Korean War at eighteen, became a husband at nineteen, and became  a father at twenty.  Over the next thirty years, Allan moved from driving a  delivery truck to managing a prosperous building supply company.  He and  his wife, Louise, had another child when he was twenty-five and then another  when he was twenty-eight.
Financially, life was moving along quite well  for Allan and Louise, however, there was a secret in their household that very  few knew.  Allan had a severe drinking problem. He didn’t drink everyday,  but when he did, the alcohol consumed him and transformed him into a vicious  man.  Most of the time, his violent outbursts were aimed at his wife.   Unfortunately, his children watched in terror as he broke furniture into pieces,  hit their mother with his fist, and cut the family to pieces with harsh and  cruel words.
Alcohol was not the only vice in Allan’s life.  While  it was never discussed in their home, his bouts with gambling, pornography, and  other women, were the unspoken reality.
But something amazing happened as  Allan approached forty.  His fourteen-year-old daughter befriended a woman  in her neighborhood who introduced her to Jesus Christ.  His teenage  daughter fell in love with Jesus.  He wasn’t quite sure what to think  about her new found faith. “Oh, it’s a phase,” he told her.  “I’m  sure it will pass. Just don’t go overboard.”
Through the years,  Allan’s wife, Louise, had become a very bitter woman.  As you can  imagine, living with a man with such a reputation was enough to destroy any  woman, but for some reason, she never left.  Louise became intrigued with  her daughter’s new found faith but had a difficult time trusting in a God who  had allowed such heartache in her own life.  Their daughter began to pray  for both parents to come to know Christ as their Savior and after two years, it  seemed her mom’s cold heart was beginning to melt.
God did answer the  young girl’s prayer and her mom accepted Jesus as her personal Lord and  Savior.  This is where I want to bring you dear friends.  Yes, God  intervened in a young girl’s life.  Yes, He saved her mother as  well.  But could God get a hold of Allan’s heart?  A drinker,  carouser, womanizer, gambler, just to name a few of his more colorful  attributes?  Could God do that?

Louise and her daughter began to pray that God would soften Allan’s hardened heart.  For years they prayed and little by little they witnessed God chisel away at his tough exterior.
“I’ll stop drinkin’,” Allan said one night, “but I cannot become a Christian.  I’ve done some terrible things in my life and I don’t think God could ever forgive me. I could never be good enough.”

“Oh, daddy,” the young girl replied.  “God will forgive you just as soon as you ask.  Besides, we can never be good enough.  If we could, Jesus wouldn’t have had to die for our sins on the cross.”
As God began to soften Allan’s heart, he did indeed stop drinking – cold turkey.  That in itself was a miracle. But there was still a volcano of anger that always rumbled just below the surface and Louise never knew when that anger would erupt and spew the lava of hatred and bitterness in their lives.  She continued to pray for her husband and believed God for a miracle.
Three years after Louise had given her life to the Lord and begun her journey of praying for her husband, Allan experienced a symphony of twists and turns that only God could have orchestrated.  He resigned from the company where he served as manager to begin his own building supply business with four other investors.  However, his previous employer sued him and held him to a restrictive covenant contract that forbade him from working within a sixty mile radius in a company that would be a competitor.  He was facing court; exposure for God only knew what, and ruination in the small town in which he lived.  Buckling under the pressure, Allan was heading towards a nervous breakdown and total loss of control.
Now God had him just where he wanted him. He hit rock bottom and the only place to go was to reach up.  Louise had gone to a business meeting in Pennsylvania and Allan desperately needed to be with her.  He drove 500 miles, but didn’t go to her hotel.  Instead he drove to a church and begged for someone to pray for him.
“What denomination are you?” the receptionist asked.
“I don’t know,” he replied.
“Here,” she said as she jotted down directions on a piece of paper.  “Our pastor isn’t in today, but I happen to know that Clyde Barnes, pastor of the Baptist church down the street is out doing some construction on their new church building.  Why don’t you drive on over and find him.  I bet he can help.”
So Allan hopped back in his car a drove to a church in the country where he found a man with a hammer in his hand and Jesus in his heart.
“What can I do for you?” the pastor said.
“I need you to pray for me,” Allan explained with tears running down his weathered face.
“Let’s sit down here on this log and you tell me what’s going on.”
So for several hours, Allan sat on a log with a fellow builder and told him all he had ever done.  Amazingly, the very things Allan had felt God could never forgive him of, this pastor had done as well.  So after five years of a young girl’s prayers for her daddy and three years of a wife’s prayers for her husband, Allan knelt in the woods and asked God for forgive him of all his sins, and received Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior.  That day, Allan became a new creation in Christ – and it all began with prayer.
Later he explained. “I told that man all I had ever done and he said he had done the same things.  I figured that if God could forgive him, and even let him be a preacher, then he could forgive me too.”
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.
For me, this is a sweet story. It is a miraculous memory. Allan was my daddy.
Friends, I have seen the power of prayer change lives.  It all began right there in my own home as a teenage girl.  You know, my mean ol’ dad became one of the sweetest men I’ve ever known.  He died from Alzheimer’s Disease at the age of sixty-six and his caretakers were always amazed at the smile on his face and the sweetness of his heart.
Let me encourage you today. . . don’t stop praying for your husband and your marriage. Your job is not to change your husband.  That’s God’s role.  Your job is to love him and pray for him and leave the transforming power to God.

Copyright © 2012 by Sharon Jaynes. Used with permission
Read more at Growthtrac Prayer: The Secret to Transforming Your Marriage, Christian Marriage Articles – Growthtrac http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/prayer-marriage_2.php#ixzz1tXQayI5Y

                           Cohabitation in the United States has increased by  more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000  unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The  majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least  once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This  shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth  control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting  appealing. But when you talk to people in their 20s, you also hear about  something else: cohabitation as prophylaxis.
In a nationwide survey  conducted in 2001 by the National Marriage Project, then at Rutgers and now at  the University of Virginia, nearly half of 20-somethings agreed with the  statement, “You would only marry someone if he or she agreed to live together  with you first, so that you could find out whether you really get along.” About  two-thirds said they believed that moving in together before marriage was a good  way to avoid divorce.

But that belief is contradicted by experience.  Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an  otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes  are called the cohabitation effect.

Researchers originally attributed the cohabitation effect to selection, or  the idea that cohabitors were less conventional about marriage and thus more  open to divorce. As cohabitation has become a norm, however, studies have shown  that the effect is not entirely explained by individual characteristics like  religion, education or politics. Research suggests that at least some of the  risks may lie in cohabitation itself.
As Jennifer and I worked to answer  her question, “How did this happen?” we talked about how she and her boyfriend  went from dating to cohabiting. Her response was consistent with studies  reporting that most couples say it “just happened.”
“We were sleeping  over at each other’s places all the time,” she said. “We liked to be together,  so it was cheaper and more convenient. It was a quick decision but if it  didn’t work out there was a quick exit.”
She was talking about what  researchers call “sliding, not deciding.” Moving from dating to sleeping over to  sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope, one not marked by  rings or ceremonies or sometimes even a conversation. Couples bypass talking  about why they want to live together and what it will mean.
WHEN  researchers ask cohabitors these questions, partners often have different,  unspoken — even unconscious — agendas. Women are more likely to view  cohabitation as a step toward marriage, while men are more likely to see it as a  way to test a relationship or postpone commitment, and this gender asymmetry is  associated with negative interactions and lower levels of commitment even after  the relationship progresses to marriage. One thing men and women do agree on,  however, is that their standards for a live-in partner are lower than they are  for a spouse.
Sliding into cohabitation wouldn’t be a problem if  sliding out were as easy. But it isn’t. Too often, young adults enter into  what they imagine will be low-cost, low-risk living situations only to find  themselves unable to get out months, even years, later. It’s like signing up  for a credit card with 0 percent interest. At the end of 12 months when the  interest goes up to 23 percent you feel stuck because your balance is too high  to pay off. In fact, cohabitation can be exactly like that. In behavioral  economics, it’s called consumer lock-in.

Lock-in is the decreased likelihood to search for, or change to, another option once an investment in something has been made. The greater the setup costs, the less likely we are to move to another, even better, situation, especially when faced with switching costs, or the time, money and effort it requires to make a change.
Cohabitation is loaded with setup and switching costs. Living together can be fun and economical, and the setup costs are subtly woven in. After years of living among roommates’ junky old stuff, couples happily split the rent on a nice one-bedroom apartment. They share wireless and pets and enjoy shopping for new furniture together. Later, these setup and switching costs have an impact on how likely they are to leave.
Jennifer said she never really felt that her boyfriend was committed to her.  “I felt like I was on this multiyear, never-ending audition to be his wife,” she said. “We had all this furniture. We had our dogs and all the same friends. It just made it really, really difficult to break up. Then it was like we got married because we were living together once we got into our 30s.”
I’ve had other clients who also wish they hadn’t sunk years of their 20s into relationships that would have lasted only months had they not been living together. Others want to feel committed to their partners, yet they are confused about whether they have consciously chosen their mates. Founding relationships on convenience or ambiguity can interfere with the process of claiming the people we love. A life built on top of “maybe you’ll do” simply may not feel as dedicated as a life built on top of the “we do” of commitment or marriage.
The unfavorable connection between cohabitation and divorce does seem to be lessening, however, according to a report released last month by the Department of Health and Human Services. More good news is that a 2010 survey by the Pew Research Center found that nearly two-thirds of Americans saw cohabitation as a step toward marriage.
This shared and serious view of cohabitation may go a long way toward further attenuating the cohabitation effect because the most recent research suggests that serial cohabitators, couples with differing levels of commitment and those who use cohabitation as a test are most at risk for poor relationship quality and eventual relationship dissolution.
Cohabitation is here to stay, and there are things young adults can do to protect their relationships from the cohabitation effect. It’s important to discuss each person’s motivation and commitment level beforehand and, even better, to view cohabitation as an intentional step toward, rather than a convenient test for, marriage or partnership.
It also makes sense to anticipate and regularly evaluate constraints that may keep you from leaving.
I am not for or against living together, but I am for young adults knowing that, far from safeguarding against divorce and unhappiness, moving in with someone can increase your chances of making a mistake — or of spending too much time on a mistake. A mentor of mine used to say, “The best time to work on someone’s marriage is before he or she has one,” and in our era, that may mean before cohabitation.

Meg Jay is a clinical psychologist at the University of Virginia and author of “The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter — and How to Make the Most of Them Now.”
Read more at Growthtrac The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage, Christian Marriage Articles – Growthtrac http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/cohabiting-before-marriage_2.php#ixzz1ssDPwRW1

By Rick Reynolds
I’m older than dirt. I recently received a notice for my 40th high school reunion. I never imagined I would be 40, much less attend my 40th high school reunion. While the John H. Reagan class of ’72 is arguably the best class ever, it’s apparent that times have changed. Now instead of snail mail post cards reminding us of upcoming events, my class is hooking up via Facebook. I’ll admit — it’s a better way to communicate, but in my line of work I just hope things stay safe. High school Facebook pages are ripe pickings for the beginning of an emotional affair.

It’s funny the memories those names in our Facebook page evoke. I thought about Dean and Albert remembering the good times, but in my mind they are not men in their 50s; rather, I remember them as they looked in their late teens. I can remember girlfriends past, and can you believe it — they haven’t changed a bit either.
What struck me as I thought about Facebook was a large percentage of people currently in my Affair Recovery online groups began their emotional affairs, which later turned physical, through social media. As I scrolled through a list of former classmates on our page (I hate to admit I this), I found myself intrigued. All of those what-if questions began flowing through my mind and I began wondering how my old flames were doing. While nothing happened, I gained new appreciation and compassion for those falling into the social media affair trap. Healing after an affair is more and more dealing with social media romances.

For instance one woman from our Hope for Healing group innocently made contact with one of her old flames prior to her high school reunion. His heartfelt confessions of the mistake he’d made by not marrying her were a healing salve on the wound she had carried since they broke up those many years ago. It didn’t hurt when he also told her she was just as beautiful today as she had been 30 years ago. Her marriage was stale from too much emphasis on raising kids and too little time renewing their relationship. She soon discovered the life she experienced from the revitalized relationship with her ex-flame far exceeded what she experienced in the relationship with her husband. There is nothing like the euphoria one receives from falling in love.

Find More Adultery | Help & Healing | Emotional Adultery
What makes us vulnerable, as we interact with those from our past, are the attachment bonds created in those relationships. Those relational bonds from the past rarely, if ever, fade. Even worse, as time goes by, we forget why that relationship went by the wayside. All we can remember is how we once felt when we were with them. We fail to realize how easily those old flames can reignite once contact is reestablished. Again- ripe pickings for an online emotional affair.

At times when talking to people in my office who have fallen for an old flame I want to scream, “Don’t you remember why the two of you broke up?” “If it was as wonderful as you paint it why in the world didn’t you two stay together?” The next thing you know is they’re dealing with infidelity and recovering from an affair. But in their mind they’ve been given a second chance to correct the worst mistake ever made. They are now willing to sacrifice all that’s been built for the past 30 years to recapture the hope they once had at 18.

Today I feel a bit more compassion for those recovering from an affair who’ve fallen for illusions of the past. I can well understand after reviewing the Class of ‘72 Facebook page how easily it could happen. Even though I no longer know them and they certainly don’t know me, those fantasies from times gone by are oh so sweet. On the other hand I doubt anything will happen because after my wife proofs this post I’m sure she’s going to stick to me like glue if we attend my reunion.

For those of you attending class reunions this year, a simple word to the wise (for what it’s worth)- don’t assume nothing will happen. Dealing with infidelity is not fun. Guard you heart and guard your marriage. You’re only as weak as your strongest link. You’ll never fall when you think you’re weak; you’ll only fall if you think you’re strong.

From your experience, how was social media involved?

Read more at Growthtrac Social Media, Emotional Affairs, Christian Marriage Articles – Growthtrac http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/emotional-affair-infidelity-1435.php#ixzz1sEnskdGG

 By Poppy Smith

What Are My Needs? What Are His? Read through the following brief descriptions of common needs. At the  end, add any other needs that matter to you. Then prioritize your list. You  might ask your husband to do this same exercise. Or try putting yourself in his  shoes and jot down how you think he might respond.
After each  description, take a moment and think about how this need is met in your  marriage. Is it important to you? Are you longing for more? Is there a step you  could take to change this aspect of your relationship? Record your responses and  use them as prayer prompters for whatever insights God brings to mind.

Affection (Women) and Sexual Intimacy (Men) Both men and women flourish when they feel loved and accepted.  For most women, affection and attention are surefire ways to ignite warm  feelings toward their spouse. According to marriage counselor and author Dr.  Willard Harley, affection is a woman’s highest need. He describes it as the  cement of a relationship, symbolizing for a woman “security, protection,  comfort, and approval.”??
Most of us feel loved when our husband  spontaneously hugs and kisses us—especially if it’s an expression of affection  and not intended as a maneuver to get sex. The majority of men, however, feel  loved and accepted when their wife is sensitive to their sexual needs.

  Dr. Harley states, “Most affairs start because of  a lack of affection (for the wife) and lack of sex (for the husband).”??  He describes this as a vicious circle. The wife doesn’t get enough affection so  she isn’t responsive to her husband’s overtures. The husband doesn’t get enough  sex so he withholds affection. If this becomes a continuous pattern, each  partner may become vulnerable to someone who is available to meet their  God-created but unmet needs.

How would you describe your need for  affection and sexual intimacy? How well is it being met? What changes  could you prayerfully make?
Attention Being seen as special by the man  you married is important. So isn’t it reasonable to assume he’d welcome your  attention at unexpected moments?  After all, you tell yourself, I love his attention anytime and can’t wait to tell  him what’s happened during my day. But if you married your opposite, you  have to remind yourself that your desires are not necessarily his.
Have  you ever asked your husband how he feels about your calls during work hours? If  he loves the attention and has no problem with you contacting him, enjoy these  moments. But if he doesn’t seem enthusiastic when you phone, don’t take it  personally. It might be due to his character, personality, or type of work.
How would you describe your need for  attention? How well is it being met? What changes could you prayerfully  make?
Admiration Both  husbands and wives need admiration. We want compliments and appreciation for  serving a great dinner, caring for a sick relative, getting a promotion at work,  or losing weight and looking amazing. Your spouse also wants to be admired for  his skills, hard work, intelligence, or ability to provide for his family.
To strengthen your marriage, watch for what you can admire in your spouse.  While affection and attention are vital for a loving relationship, words of  admiration say “I notice you and value who you are.”
How  would you describe your need for admiration? How well is it being met? What changes could you prayerfully make?
Companionship There are solutions that satisfy our human need for companionship, however. Here  are a couple of suggestions that are simple and practical. They also work.

How would  you describe your need for companionship? How well is it being met? What changes could you prayerfully make?
Encouragement Scripture tells us to encourage and spur one another on (Hebrews 10:24-25). If  you’re married to a man whose natural bent is to encourage you when you’re  struggling, be thankful. But if your spouse is more inclined to see the negative  in you and tells you so, watch your heart. Strengthen it daily with reminders  that you are precious to God.
How would  you describe your need for encouragement? How well is it being met? How  could you prayerfully improve this?
Respect Wives are given a biblical command to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33).  If your marriage is less than harmonious, this command can be challenging.  Showing respect requires making a conscious decision not to rip into your spouse  or treat him with contempt when he angers or disappoints you. It is a choice you  make.
How would you describe your need  for respect? Your husband’s need? How well is it being met? What  changes could you prayerfully make?

Honesty and Openness Marriage experts differ on whether a couple should have areas of privacy. For trust to be established and maintained, however, honesty and openness is essential. This demands speaking the truth rather than being evasive or deceptive. Hiding secrets, both past and present, can threaten the very survival of your marriage.
How would you describe your need for honesty and openness? How well is it being met? What changes could you prayerfully make?
Domestic Support Both husbands and wives work, whether out of the home or inside it. Each gets tired and stressed from endless demands, and each longs for support from the other. Whether it’s a word of thanks for working so hard, helping to get a meal on the table, or rounding up the kids and calming them down, a marriage thrives when both spouses express appreciation to the other.
As a wife, watch out for signs that your husband is particularly tired. Be sensitive to his concerns about the job market, his fears of getting stuck in a dead-end job, or his feelings of inadequacy as a father or spiritual man. Each of these observations is an opportunity to sensitively express your support and appreciation.
If you’re a mother, speak well of him to your children. No matter what struggles the two of you might have, your children don’t have to hear about it.
How would you describe your need for domestic support? How well is it being met? What changes could you prayerfully make? Spiritual Connection Godly Christian women around the globe dream of marrying a man who will not only share their desire for God but will also lead them closer to Him. Women pray for this man, plead with God for him, and watch with mixed delight and dismay as their girlfriends walk down the aisle on the arm of a saintly male.
If your husband isn’t a follower of Jesus, Scripture says to pray and zip your lips so “they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives” (l Peter 3:1). But if your husband claims to follow Jesus and isn’t perfect in his attitudes, choices, and priorities all the time, your challenge is to grow in grace toward him.
Marrying a believer in Christ does not mean we marry the finished product. He is raw material in the hands of the Spirit. So are you. So am I.
Marrying a believer in Christ does not mean we marry the finished product.
How would you describe your need for spiritual connection? How well is it being met? What changes could you prayerfully make?

Adapted from, Why Can’t He Be More Like Me?, by Poppy Smith.
Copyright © Poppy Smith, published by Harvest House Publishers, used with permission.
Read more at Growthtrac Emotional Needs, Christian Marriage Articles – Growthtrac http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/marriage-emotional-needs_2.php#ixzz1reZukA7z

It’s a question that I get asked a lot. . . how do I know that the person I am with is ‘the one?’

I wish there were an easy, fail-proof checklist I could give people who ask me this question; it would make both of our lives a lot simpler. The truth is that there are no hard and fast rules on how to determine if the person you are with is the right choice for marriage. At the same time, there are a few guidelines that you can keep in mind while drawing your final conclusion.

Your choice in a spouse is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. It’s also one of the few that so greatly impacts the rest of your life. It’s no wonder that people are concerned with knowing if they are with the right person.

Pray about it
While some people debate over whether there is really one person we are intended to be with, my theory is that God does have someone in mind for us. Marriage is a God thing, and I believe that He designed someone uniquely for us and us for him/her to fulfill His purpose for our lives here on earth. Is it possible to have a connection, attraction, compatibility, or the ability to make it work with more than one person during a lifetime? Sure. We see that in our dating lives. But, at the end of the day, I sincerely believe there is only one person God created for us to be with that is the ‘perfect’ match for us to serve out our calling in this life.

That being said, no matter what you believe regarding the existence of there being what some call a ‘soul mate,’ it is absolutely essential to pray over your relationship. God is your best resource for attaining the answers and wisdom you need and seek. Talk to Him about your hopes, dreams, desires, but earnestly seek after what His will is for your life. It’s easy to ask God to give us what we want, but make sure to ask and be willing to pursue what He wants for us. He knows us better than we know ourselves, so His plan and will is always the perfect one. Jeremiah 29:11 says, ‘‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’’

Seek His will, ask for His direction and wisdom, and be willing to accept whatever that is. That takes faith, a listening ear, and a true understanding of and belief in His promises and Word.

Seek Godly Counsel
God gives us our support system to help us navigate the journey of life. Everyone’s situation is different, but most of us have a family member, friend, spouse or significant other, or pastor that we can go to for some godly advice. It’s important to have people around us that are trustworthy, have a relationship with Christ, and honest.

When it comes to figuring out if the person you are with is the right fit for you, seek out the advice of the godly people in your life. Ask them what their thoughts, advice, and concerns are regarding your relationship. Outsiders often have a clearer, less obstructed view of how things really are. When we are the ones in the relationship, we can be clouded by our emotions making it difficult to objectively assess the situation for what it is. Proverbs 20:18 says to ‘make plans by seeking advice.’ In Proverbs 15:22 it states that ‘plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.’ If you are planning your future with someone, it’s the perfect time to seek out the wisdom of trusted people in your life that love you and are looking out for your best interest.

Be honest
One of the biggest problems that plague relationships is a lack of honesty. Both parties are often on best behavior, which is fine, but at times it is taken to the point of dishonesty. Instead of being an authentic version of themselves, they pretend to be who they think that special guy or gal wants them to be.

The problem is that the relationship is them built on false pretenses. At some point the best behavior goes out the window because it’s impossible to keep up a façade for a lifetime. What happens many times is that couples put on this false identity until after the wedding day, and both parties awaken to a very different relationship than they thought they would. It’s as if two strangers got married, and there is this sense of shock, disappointment, and anger toward one another because they didn’t really know who they were marrying.

It’s absolutely essential to be honest and the ‘real’ you when dating. That is the only way to know if you are truly a good fit for one another. Otherwise you are just setting yourself and your relationship up for failure. Be honest with your significant other about who you are, what your interests, dreams, beliefs, preferences and aspirations are, and what you are looking for in a relationship. That also requires you to be honest with yourself about those very same things. Create the space and freedom for your significant other to be honest with you too, so that through that, you both can make an decision about your future based on reality and truthfulness.

Ask
While euphoric emotions that make us feel like we are floating through the world on a cloud of bliss is nice, it’s not a premise for marrying someone. Emotions come and go, which is why we have to push beyond them to get to the heart of the matter. Are you and the person you are dating a good match?

The best way to start answering that question is to start asking questions. Explore your interests, hopes, goals, beliefs, etc. Ask questions like:

Asking questions is the only way to get the much needed answers. Often times if you start having these types of conversations, it become clear if you and your significant other are on the same page. Of course there will be differences in your answers, but it’s making sure that those differences are still compatible and adaptable in a way that the two of you can build a future together. Plus, it makes you aware of some of the challenges you may face in your relationship or marriage by knowing areas you differ on. Having in depth, honest conversations about an array or topics is one of the best ways to sort through the emotions and find yourself with the reality of your compatibility.

Prepare
Preparation is such an important part of a successful marriage as well as the process of deciphering if the person you are with is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. There are so many resources (like the one you are viewing now) that are available to help guide you through the various premarital stages of life.

Books are one of the cheapest and best ways to start educating yourself on the numerous aspects of relationships and marriage. One of my favorite books to recommend for couples who are dating is Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married by Dr. Gary Chapman, but there are a ton of other books all out there waiting for you to pick them up and dive right in. Literature is a fantastic means of preparing yourself and your relationship for the future.

If you are in a serious relationship that is moving toward marriage, I would encourage you to premarital counseling or therapy. Professionals can sit down with you and help you objectively assess the health of your relationship, work on problematic areas, equip you with tools to manage the challenges you will encounter, and help make sure that you are prepared for marriage. I have yet to meet a couple that did premarital counseling or therapy that didn’t find it invaluable.

There are many, many resources out there that can help guide you in your quest for a fulfilling marriage, so it’s just a matter of taking the time and making the effort to utilize them.

As I started out saying, there is no magical checklist or equation that can definitively decide if the person you are with is the right choice for you. It’s a combination of prayer, wisdom, wise counsel, honesty, asking questions, and preparing yourself that can help lead you to finding that answer.

Copyright © 2012 by Ashley McIlwain. Used with permission
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By Bill Elliff

Imagine meeting with an engaged couple a few weeks before they are married. With excitement they describe how they met and how their relationship developed. The husband-to-be proudly describes how he set up a perfect romantic evening so he could pop the big question.

Then they surprise you by saying, “We want to get married and have some children. At first we will feel a lot of love for each other. Then we’ll start arguing and hating each other. In a few years, we’ll get a divorce.”

Who would enter marriage intending to get a divorce? And yet, divorce is occurring at alarming rates. A large number of people in my church have been hurt deeply by divorce-they’ve been divorced themselves, or they’ve felt the pain of a parent or relative divorcing.

As common as divorce is, I’m convinced that most of them could be avoided. Mark this down on the tablet of your heart: Every wrong behavior begins with believing a lie. Our culture promotes many deceptions that can quickly destroy a marriage. Here are eight:

Lie #1. “My happiness is the most important thing about my marriage.”
As a pastor, I can’t tell you how many people have justified breaking up their marriages by saying, “I have to do this. God just wants me to be happy.”

But according to God’s Word, a spouse’s individual happiness is not the purpose for marriage.

The Bible says in Colossians 3:17: “Whatever you do in word or deed,” do for the glory of God. While all parts of creation are to glorify God, mankind was made in God’s very image. Through marriage, husbands and wives are to reflect His character and have children who will reflect His character … all the way to the end of time.

Every marriage knows unhappiness. Every marriage knows conflict. Every marriage knows difficulty. But everyone can be joyful in their marriage by focusing on God’s purposes and His glory instead of individual happiness.

Lie #2. “If I don’t love my spouse any longer, I should get a divorce.”
It’s a tragedy to lose love in marriage. But the loss of human love can teach us to access a deeper love-the very love of God Himself. That love is patient and kind … it never fails (1 Corinthians 13). It even cares for its enemies.

When human love dies in a marriage, a couple can enter into one of the most exciting adventures they’ll ever have: learning how to love each other with God’s love. Romans 5:5 tells us that this very love “has been poured out within our hearts, through the Holy Spirit.”

Lie #3. “My private immorality does not affect my marriage.”
A lot of people think, I can view pornography in the privacy of my home. It’s just me and my magazine, or computer … it doesn’t affect my marriage.

Oneness in marriage is hijacked by sexual immorality. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:15, “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute?”

In the 21st century, there are many ways to join oneself with a prostitute: physically, through the pages of a magazine, on a computer’s video screen, etc. Paul’s advice is the same today as it was thousands of years ago: Flee immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18).

If you take your emotional and sexual energy and spend it on someone else, there will be nothing left for your spouse. Those who continually view pornography or engage in sexual fantasies are isolating themselves.

Lie #4. “My sin (or my spouse’s sin) is so bad that I need to get a divorce.”
The truth is God can fix our failures-any failure. The Bible says to forgive one another, just as God in Christ has forgiven us (Colossians. 3:13).

“But,” you ask, “Doesn’t Matthew 19:9 say that God allows divorce in the case of sexual immorality?” Yes. I believe that it does-when there is an extended period of unrepentance. Yet, nowhere in that passage does God demand divorce. When there is sexual sin, we should seek to redeem the marriage and so illustrate the unfathomable forgiveness of God.

Some of the greatest life messages I know are the marriages of people who have repented from sexual sin and spouses who have forgiven them. Their lives today are living testimonies to the truth found in Joel 2:25: “… I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten.”

Lie #5. “I married the wrong person.”
Many people have told me, for example, that they are free to divorce because they married an unbeliever. “I thought he/she would become a Christian, but that didn’t happen. We need to get a divorce.” They recall that they knew it was a mistake, but they married anyway-hoping it would work out. Others claim that they just married someone who wasn’t a good match, someone who wasn’t a true “soul mate.”

A wrong start in marriage does not justify another wrong step. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good,” says Romans 8:28, “to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

God tells us not to be poured into the world’s mold. Instead we are to be transformed and that begins in our minds. By doing this, God will give us exactly what we need for our lives. God’s will for us is good, acceptable, and perfect (Romans 12:1-2).

Here’s the key for those who are no Lie #6. “My spouse and I are incompatible.”
I don’t know a lot of husbands and wives who are truly compatible when they get married. In marriage, God joins together two flawed people.

If I will respond correctly to my spouse’s weaknesses, then God can teach me forgiveness, grace, unconditional love, mercy, humility, and brokenness. The life of a person who believes in Jesus Christ is developed by responses to not only happy things, but also to difficulties. And those very difficulties include weaknesses.

That is why we are told in Colossians 3:12-13 to “put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other.” My spouse’s weaknesses are not hindrances. Instead, they are the doorway to spiritual growth. This is a liberating truth.

If I will respond to my spouse’s shortcomings with unconditional acceptance, my love won’t be based on performance. I won’t say, “You need to live up to these expectations.” I will be able to accept my spouse, weaknesses and all. And that acceptance will swing open the door of change for not only my spouse, but also for me.

Lie #7. “Breaking the marriage covenant won’t hurt me or my children.”
When divorce enters a family, there are always scars. I know this firsthand; although I was an adult when my father committed adultery and divorced my mother, decades later there are still effects. Many consequences of divorce never go away.

Blake Hudspeth, our church’s youth pastor, also understands the pain of divorce. He was 5 years old when his parents divorced, and it was hard for him to understand God as Father and to trust people. “The people I trusted the most split up.” He also found it difficult to accept love from others “because I didn’t know if they truly loved me.” And Blake developed a fear of marriage. “Am I going to follow the trend of divorce, because my parents and grandparents divorced?”

Blake’s father even wrote him and said, “This was the worst decision I made in my life. It was bad. It hurt you. It hurt our family. When I divorced your mom, I divorced our family because I broke a covenant that we were a part of.”

Blake says that his parents (who both remarried) have embraced the gospel, resulting in him readily accepting advice and encouragement from them. “Watching the gospel play out … with my mom and dad was huge,” he says.

Lie #8. “There’s no hope for my marriage-it can’t be fixed.”
This may be the most devastating lie of all. Because in more than four decades of counseling couples, I’ve seen God do the seeming impossible thousands of times. In a dying marriage, He just needs two willing parties. God knows how to get us out of the messes we get ourselves into.

I tell these couples about people like Chuck and Ann, who were involved in drugs and alcohol before God restored their home. Or Lee and Greg, who were engaged in multiple affairs. God brought them back to Christ and to each other. Now they have six children and a marriage ministry. Or Jim and Carol who had taken off their wedding rings and were living in separate bedrooms and about to live in separate worlds when God redeemed them.

If you begin to think, There is no hope for my marriage, realize that, “With God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).

We must combat the lies about marriage. The truth will set us free (John 8:32). God can fix anything!

Copyright © 2012 by Bill Elliff. Used with permission.

w married: The Bible clearly says do not divorce (with the exception for extended, unrepentant sexual immorality). God can take even the worst things of life and work them together for good if we will just trust Him.

By John Greco
  This past year, my marriage ended, despite all my best intentions, efforts, and  prayers. Divorce wasn’t something I wanted, nor was it something I anticipated.  As a believer, I was prepared to fight for my marriage, and I did. But it takes  two to make a marriage work, and when one partner decides it’s going to be over,  the other doesn’t have much of a choice in the matter.
My life is now  consumed with trying to move forward, which has not been easy. Sometimes I feel  other people see me as “that guy with all the  scary stuff going on”,  and if I’m not careful, I can begin to see  myself as just another hopeless, broken mess. I pour myself into God’s word  again and again so I don’t lose sight of the bigger picture. The cross is about  redemption, and redemption doesn’t end because we encounter tragedy. In fact, it  is through hardships we often see Christ most clearly. Here is a bit of what  He’s been teaching me.
We are accountable to God for how we  live in marriage and divorce. Someday, each of us will answer to God  for how we lived our lives, including how we treated our spouse. But this  accountability extends to divorce as well. Certainly, the one who breaks the  marriage covenant is accountable, but so is the one who kept the covenant and  fought for the survival of his or her marriage. They will be judged by how they  responded when they were hurt. And how should we respond when we are treated  badly? We should look to Christ. “When he was  reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but  continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23,  ESV).
                           No doubt  this is difficult to do. The sinful nature in each of us wants to lash out at  those who hurt us. As well, our culture has made a virtue out of getting even.  But for the person who wants to follow Christ, responding in this way is simply  not an option. If we want to be like Christ, we must choose to take up our cross  and follow Him in every situation, no matter how difficult. In my own  experience, this meant praying for my wife, treating her with kindness, and  humbling myself in order to show her Christ in my life. I will readily admit  that it is not in my power to behave this way, but is only possible through the  power of the Holy Spirit.

 God is still in  control. As I mentioned, this divorce was not something I  wanted,  and it certainly wasn’t something that I was prepared for. Life  felt totally  out of control, so one of the things I had to relearn was  that God is still  sovereign. This divorce certainly surprised me, but it didn’t surprise God for a  second. He is able to use it for His good and perfect purposes.
Take, for  example, the familiar story of Joseph. God was at work, doing something good  through Joseph’s painful path, though I’m sure it didn’t feel too good when  Joseph was standing in a pit waiting to be sold into slavery or when he crudely  marked off another year on the prison wall. In the end, though, Joseph was able  to look back on his painful experiences and say, “God  meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as  they are today” (Genesis 50:20). Even when it may not look like it to us,  God is still king, He is still wise, and He is still good.
God  uses all things for our good and His glory, but we must understand what good  really is. A familiar verse, Romans 8:28, says, “And  we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those  who are called according to his purpose.” The “all things” includes every  seemingly random event, the sins and actions of other people, as well as our own  sins and foolish decisions. And it certainly includes a painful experience like  divorce.
Our problem often lies, not in denying this wonderful promise  from God, but in misunderstanding what “good” really looks like. A few verses  after Romans 8:28, Paul writes, “For your sake  we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be  slaughtered” (Romans 8:36; cf. Psalm 44:22). When we’re tempted to feel  warm and fuzzy about things working out for our good, there’s talk of slaughter.  This is because our good is supposed to be wrapped up in God, and not in our  circumstances.
We often recite the promise of Romans 8:28 in isolation,  but listen to what Paul says in the next verse: “For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to  be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn  among many brothers.” (Romans 8:29). God’s good purpose is to make us  more like Christ. That’s why, without skipping a beat, Paul can say all things  will work out for our good and — we may lose our lives-because Christ is all  that matters.
Even in the pain of divorce, Christ is all that matters.  If you ever feel like “that guy or gal with  all the scary stuff going on”, I hope you’ll remember God’s promises,  knowing that the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe is at work in all the  scary stuff.

Copyright © 2012 by John  Greco. Used with permission.
Read more at Growthtrac Divorce & the Goodness of God, Christian Marriage Articles – Growthtrac http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/divorce-goodness-god-1421.php#ixzz1odQXb4AJ