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January 31: Be Right or Be Married!

Robyn — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:05:53 +0000

By Kathy Schoenborn

Personal Expectations
Thinking our views are right or presuming negative intention from our spouse are both deal breakers for contented marriage. The argument of “right or wrong” causes trouble in our marriages as we take issues not related to morality and dig in our heels to show our spouse that we are right. It is quite arrogant of us, actually, to think that our views and perspectives on life are right, which, by the way, would automatically make their views wrong!

I like the saying “You can either be right or you can be married!” Terry Real identifies this as a “perception battle,” or a contest about meaning. He says it occurs all the time in relationships, is a huge waste of time, and is irresolvable. He says it begs the unanswerable question “Whose reality is most legitimate?”

Obviously, both individuals in a marriage can’t be right, but actually, we can both be right if we accept that there is no right or wrong, just different. That is, unless we are discussing a moral right or wrong. We take it a step further when we see ourselves as right, then presume a negative intention regarding our spouse. This really escalates defensiveness and conflict, making a compromise much less probable. To reduce relational damage we need to ask for clarification of intent if we suspect a negative motive from our partner. In the case where one of us senses we are being negatively judged, we need to respond with an assertive versus an aggressive response.

Women adopt many early marriage expectations from family, society, culture, movies, books, and friends. Our expectations are often not talked about or challenged for truthfulness. They include such ideals as:

“He will meet my needs and make me happy.”
“I will not be hurt by my spouse because we love each other.”
“He will change after we get married.”
“My love for him will always stay the same.”
“We will never be torn apart by problems.”

These early and unrealistic expectations often get turned into negative attitudes, such as:

“I will never be happy with this spouse.”
“Our fighting shows that we are just not right for each other.”
“He is not changing, so I must have made the wrong choice in a spouse.”
“We have just fallen out of love and it can’t be rekindled.”
“We can never overcome this problem.”

Whether we believe the first or second set of statements regarding our marriage, they are both subjective. These self-generated beliefs often lead us to blame our spouse for the outcomes. Blaming them locks us out of a solution and disables our ability to discern the real truth

I implore you to take the time to examine expectations about your husband, marriage, and love. Only then can you make intelligent and informed decisions based on truth, not the often-skewed perceptions of a hurting person! Remember, there is another person on the other side of the wedding rings who has expectations of his own. Ladies, we owe it to ourselves, our spouses, and our children to stop and examine these highly lethal “setups” to marital disaster.

Get Kathy Schoenborn’s book, I Want to Stay Married, But How?: Empowering Christian Women in Marriage

January 24: What Is It About Money!

Robyn — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 17:13:18 +0000

Get the Matt Bell book, Money and Marriage

By Matt Bell

Men and women have different spending priorities. When asked about their indulgences, men are much more likely to say electronics (54 percent versus 23 percent of women); women are more likely to say travel (43 percent versus 33 percent of men).

Men and women view money through different emotional filters. When asked which terms best describe their feelings about money, men are more likely to choose confidence (58 percent versus 44 percent of women). Women are more likely to pick anxiety (33 percent versus 18 percent of men), apprehension (26 percent versus 15 percent of men), and confusion (14 percent versus 8 percent of men).

Men and women are interested in different financial topics. Men are more into investing (83 percent versus 70 percent of women) and entrepreneurship (54 percent versus 36 percent of women). Women prefer savings (79 percent versus 69 percent of men), frugality (67 percent versus 53 percent of men), and shopping (20 percent versus 10 percent of men).

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Men tend to be more aggressive with money. When applying for a job, for example, men are four times as likely as women to ask for more money than what is offered to them initially.8 Men are typically more comfortable taking on higher levels of risk. According to one survey, 66 percent of husbands labeled themselves the couple’s bigger risk taker with money versus 31 percent of wives.

More women (47 percent) than men (30 percent) feel they lack knowledge about investing, and fewer women say they enjoy investing (55 percent versus 69 percent of men).10 Given the previous findings about investing, it’s noteworthy that men make more investment mistakes than women, and they make them more often. For example, men are more likely than women to allocate too much of their portfolio to one investment (32 percent versus 23 percent of women), buy a hot investment without doing any research (24 percent versus 13 percent of women), and trade securities too often (12 percent versus 5 percent of women). There’s even evidence that women hedge fund managers outperform their male counterparts, with one ten-year study showing average annualized returns of 9 percent for hedge funds managed by women versus 5.8 percent for those managed by men.

Men and women differ in how they depict their current financial situation.

Lastly, men and women differ in their charitable giving, with women somewhat more likely than men to donate time and money.
Women tend to believe their situation to be worse than it actually is, sometimes overstating how much they have in debt. Men are just the opposite, tending to believe their situation to be better than it actually is, often overstating how much they earn.

Find More Help | Articles | Money and Marriage

Men and women differ in how they depict their current financial situation.

Financial Opposites Attract
As if these general differences in perspective don’t make it difficult enough to manage money as husband and wife, researchers from Northwestern University and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania found that we tend to magnify the difficulty by choosing mates who are especially different than we are when it comes to spending money. The research, published in a paper titled “Fatal (Fiscal) Attraction,” examined the mate selections of tightwads and spendthrifts. Tightwads were defined as people who find spending money to be painful yet regret not spending more. Spendthrifts were defined as people who feel little pain when they spend yet regret spending so much.

The researchers found that in moments of clear, rational thinking – before someone we’re attracted to walks by — we are aware of the type of person who would be best for us: someone whose attitudes toward money are similar to ours. However, when it comes time to make a decision, we set aside rational thinking. Tightwads tend to marry spendthrifts, and vice versa. The more we dislike our own financial tendency, the more likely we are to marry our financial opposite.

At first glance, that makes sense and may even seem beneficial, or at least harmless. It can be fun to hang out with our financial opposite while dating. A guy who can’t bring himself to spend much may enjoy receiving nice gifts from a woman with a loose hold on her purse strings. However, the researchers say that from “I do” forward, life with a mate who approaches spending and saving differently than we do often leads to more financial conflict and less marital satisfaction.

By the way, despite the stereotype, it isn’t always the woman who’s the spender. In about one-third of couples, the husband freely admits he’s the one who parts with cash too easily.

But money does not have to be a source of conflict in your marriage, even if these stats strike fear in your heart because you realize you’re about to marry — or already have married — your financial opposite.

January 17: Making Time For Your Spouse!

Robyn — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 16:23:15 +0000

10 Ideas: Making Time for Your Spouse

By Mary May Larmoyeux

My husband, Jim, and I have been married for more than 30 years and we consider one another to be best friends. Despite this, we have to intentionally keep our relationship and marriage on the front burner of life.

Finding time to be with just one another is important to Jim and me. But I confess, it’s not always an easy thing to do. And this isn’t just our isolated problem. It’s common in most marriages—regardless of age.

The following 10 ideas can help you and me intentionally make time for our spouse:

1. Cultivate a common interest. Your spouse should be your best friend, and friends enjoy spending time with one another. If you and your spouse have different hobbies, find something that you both enjoy doing and do it together. You may want to go bike riding, walk together at the end of a long day, play tennis, or learn how to ballroom dance. Shared experiences enrich marriages and deepen friendship.

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‘I realized that our relationship had to be a higher priority than my hobbies,’ says FamilyLife President Dennis Rainey of his early days of marriage. ‘Barbara and I had to decide what we wanted to be at the end of our lives—two people who had grown old together as partners or two people who had grown old alone.’

2. Have a regular date night. If you don’t have a relative nearby who would gladly watch your kids, then consider swapping babysitting with a friend on a regular basis. For example, you would watch their kids on the first Friday of every month and they would watch your kids on the second Saturday of every month.

With a little imagination, you can also plan some great dates at home … not only while the kids are sleeping, but also while they are enjoying pizza or watching a special movie.

3. Try new adventures together. We only live this life once. Try doing something different to force yourself out of the rut of normal day-to-day living. If you and your spouse would like to do something a little more daring, consider activities such as skydiving, scuba diving, mountain climbing, etc.

‘When my husband, Jim, and I said, ‘I do’ 37 years ago, I never envisioned myself camping on a budget or whizzing through the countryside on the back of a motorcycle,’ LaRue Launius says. ‘And Jim never imagined himself thousands of feet up in the air. But God has used these experiences, and countless others, to gradually knit our hearts together as best friends.’

4. Write love letters to one another and read them over a romantic dinner. Writing letters is almost a lost art form today. You may want to redeem it by regularly expressing your love to your spouse in a letter. Then read it to your spouse over a romantic dinner.

You could purchase special wooden boxes for your love letters. Or, record them in individual journals as a lasting reminder to your legacy of your love for one another.

5. Go on overnight getaways—without the kids. The possibilities are endless. Many state parks have great campsites and beautiful lodges. Staying at a nearby bed and breakfast can be a real treat. Also, hotels often have special weekend getaway packages.

After being married for 10 years, they discovered a secret that re-energizes their relationship—regular getaways. ‘We may relax at a friend’s lake house, camp at a state park, or book a resort condominium in the off-season,’ Bill explains. ‘God has continued to teach us to step off life’s treadmill and examine the health of our relationship. When we evaluate where we are heading, we reap a fabulous return on investment.’

6. Set aside regular time to talk with one another—without any distractions. Make time to focus on one another and talk about the day’s events. When our children were young, my husband and I tried to visit together for 10-15 minutes before dinner each evening—just the two of us. You and your spouse may want to do this after the kids go to bed. The important thing is to share heart-to-heart and face-to-face.

If the kids are in school, you may want to have lunch together once a week. Put it on the calendar and make definite appointments. I read about a pastor who did this for years. He had a standing invitation for lunch one day a week that could not be broken—lunch with his wife.

7. Read a book together and discuss it over coffee at a local coffeehouse or bookstore. Take turns choosing the books. If a movie has been made out of the book, read and discuss it together and then watch the movie. Compare the book to the movie.

8. Be accountable to one another. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 tells us, ‘Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.’

You may want to ask your spouse to keep you accountable in a certain area. For example, I have a habit of over-committing myself and having way too many things on the to-do list. My husband is great about bringing me back to earth and helping me establish a more balanced schedule.

Being accountable to our spouse requires one-on-one time—whether it’s over coffee in the morning or evaluating a to-do list together in the afternoon.

‘Accountability gives each marriage partner freedom and access to the other,’ Dennis Rainey writes. He adds that it means asking for advice and gives a spouse the freedom to share honest observations. ‘It means we’re teachable and approachable. We both need to be accountable to the other because each partner is fallible and quite capable of using faulty judgment.’

9. Pray together. When we regularly pray with our spouse, our souls and hearts are uniquely knit together. Sadly, we’ll forget many of the ways God answers our prayers unless we write them down.

You may want to record how God answers your prayers in a notebook. Once or so a year, go on an overnight getaway with your spouse and review it together. Spend some time thanking the Lord for all He has done.

10. Tune-up your marriage at a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. Attending a Weekend to Remember will help you get away from the distractions of life and focus on one another.

‘We had a wonderful time,’ one wife wrote after attending a recent Weekend to Remember. ‘Everyone was so welcoming. We didn’t come to this as a couple who was looking to save their marriage. We came as a couple who needed a tune-up. We’re running good and would like to keep it that way.’

Originally seen on FamilyLife
Copyright © 2012 by Mary May Larmoyeux. Used with permission

January 10:Thankful for Marriage!

Robyn — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 15:54:36 +0000

By Linda Dillow

Last July I read Psalm 92:1-2 in my morning quiet time: “It is good to give thanks to the LORD and to sing praises to Your name, O Most High; to declare Your lovingkindness in the morning and Your faithfulness by night” (NASB). I have read these verses many times before and always thought, What a perfect thing to do; give thanks to God every morning for his lovingkindness and every night for his faithfulness. That morning I decided to take the next four weeks to study these two words “faithfulness” and “lovingkindness” and to ask my Father to teach me how to thank him. I wanted to be caught up in his lovingkindness before I leave my bed each morning and to delight in his faithfulness as I go to sleep each night. I knew that both things would make me a kinder, more loving wife.

For 28 days I used Psalm 92:1-2 as my pattern of morning and evening worship to give thanks to God, and I recorded all I was learning in my journal. As I studied, I prayed, “My Lord, reveal, teach, and take me deeper in all you are as a God who loves me with lovingkindness. Take me deeper in all you are as a faithful God to me.” What follows are my journal entries.

July 21
I learned today that the word “lovingkindness” is translated from the Hebrew word “hesed,” which is used often in the Old Testament to signify God’s covenant, steadfast love for me. In the Psalms (and this is true in Psalm 92) hesed is associated with the call to worship. I see that my morning and evening times of reflective thankfulness are all about worshiping the One who loves me, not just with a love like I love, but with a deep unfailing love.

Hesed is the unmerited and generous favor of God. Hesed love is gentle and always reaches out to the object of that love—which means me. Old Testament scholar Daniel Block describes hesed as “that quality that moves a person to act for the benefit of another without respect to the advantage that it might bring to the one who expresses it …. [T]his quality is expressed fundamentally in action rather than word or emotion.”

Father, thank you for leading me to learn about thanking you and your precious lovingkindness to me. I see clearly that what I’m learning isn’t just to encourage me; it’s also meant to teach me how to love my husband. I’m to do things that are best for him—not for me. To love him with my actions, not just my words.

July 30
I love it, my Father, that not one English word can hold all the meaning of hesed, so we string words together. It is never just love but “steadfast, covenant-love,” “unfailing love,” and “lovingkindness.” It is like when I talk to one of our grandchildren. Just saying “I love you” isn’t enough, so it is, “I love you more than all the ice cream in the whole world!” Thank you that you needed more than one word to express your everlasting love for me … that touches me in a deep place.

August 4
Time to move on from lovingkindness to faithfulness. In Psalm 92, the Hebrew word for faithfulness is “aman,” or its derivative “emunah.” These two words carry the ideas of firmness, steadiness, sureness, steadfastness, faithfulness, trust, honesty, safety, and certainty. When faithfulness is applied to God, it is talking about his believability.

So when I meditate on God’s faithfulness in the evening, I am thanking him that he is always true and always the same, that he is good, even when I can’t understand him, and that he loves me, even when I don’t feel his love. Beth Moore says that the degree of our faithfulness to others is the direct result of our regard for God’s faithfulness to us. That is some statement, and in my spirit, I know it is true.

August 9
Lord, it just hit me that love and faithfulness are fruit of the Spirit. They are what I need to love this complicated man you gave me. My personal Marriage Purpose Statement is the word “faithful,” and forever faithful is what I long to be. So thank you, my Father, for leading me to thank you for just what I need. I see that my faithfulness and love are the direct result of how big and wide and deep your love and faithfulness are to me. Teach me, please.

August 15
Oh, I am excited about what I learned today! Psalm 59:10 says that God in his lovingkindness will meet me. I see my Father coming to sit with me and share a cup of tea. How precious that he meets me in his lovingkindness. I feel embraced by his love. I’ve been walking around all day thanking the Holy One for personally meeting with me in his unfailing love.

August 21
Lord, I thank you today for showing me in Psalm 36 that your lovingkindness is as vast as the heavens and that your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. As I sit by this beautiful lake, drinking in your serene presence, I thank You that You declare that Your lovingkindness is precious (Psalm 36:7) and that you pour out your lovingkindness on those who love You (Psalm 36:10). Because you declare this to me today, I proclaim the preciousness of your unfailing love to me. Thank you for this quiet day to bask in your presence and literally feel the delight of your lovingkindness poured out on me. Oh, how I love you!

Six months have passed, and I am still thanking God and praising him every morning for his lovingkindness and every evening for his faithfulness. I have felt my gratitude growing. I’ve been focusing on God gratitude, but it is overflowing and turning into gratitude for my husband.

How about you? It is really very simple to imitate my God-Gratitude Project. Why don’t you get out your Bible and memorize Psalm 92:1-2? It is easy to remember. Then begin to journal and see your gratitude grow!

Excerpted from What’s It Like to Be Married to Me?: and Other Dangerous Questions by Linda Dillow

January 3, 2012: Handling the Holidays During Grief of Loss

Robyn — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 16:33:50 +0000

Handling the Holidays During Grief of Loss

Get the Laura Petherbridge book, Whan ‘I Do’ Becomes I Don’t

By Laura Petherbridge

October through December can be an excruciating time of year for those who have experienced a loss. In addition to the death of a loved one, divorce, illness, family trauma, job loss, a wayward child, or moving to a new location can cause serious depression during the holidays. Factor in that many people experience less sunlight during the winter months, plus they stay indoors for extended period of time, and the combination can be detrimental to our state of mind.

Living in a stepfamily for 25 years I have definitely experienced, “meltdown moments” and extreme loneliness during the holidays. However, the Christmas after my divorce was by far the worst holiday of my life. Everyone assumed I was spending the day with someone else. I already felt like a pathetic loser therefore, I was too embarrassed to say, “Excuse me but I have nowhere to go for the holidays. Can I come to your house?”

Take a moment during this season of “good cheer” and ponder if there is someone you know who may be struggling. If so, here are a few practical tips to share.

PREPARE. The ambush of emotions can attack at any time, therefore the wisest response is to prepare beforehand. Pinpoint a time that you believe may be particularly difficult such as Christmas morning, or Thanksgiving meal. Then determine a plan beforehand.

ACCEPT. The difficulty of this time of year may be a reminder of your loss. Remember that it’s a season and it will pass. Don’t feel guilty if your goal for the holidays this year is to “get through it.”

SOCIALIZE. Don’t hibernate. Insecure feelings may tempt you to isolate, but force yourself to go out even if it’s only for a short time.

LOWER your expectations. Movies and songs often paint a very unrealistic picture of the holidays. Most people don’t have a Norman Rockwell family, it’s OK.

DON’T ANESTHETIZE the pain with drugs or alcohol. Numbing emotional distress with chemicals often creates more depression and anxiety. Plus you may do something you will regret.

LEAVE THEM ALONE. If old ornaments or trimmings cause too much pain don’t hang them this year. Put them aside for another time. Avoid fragrances, music, or locations that may trigger sadness.

GET UP AND MOVE. Take care of your physical well-being. Healthy foods will give you strength; fattening foods and sugar can make you sluggish or worsen depression. Exercise produces natural stress reducers.

SHOP online if going to the mall is too stressful. But watch for over spending as it may be a negative coping mechanism with disastrous results.

COPING STRATEGY. Have the phone number of your counselor, church, close friend or hotline already taped to your phone. Make the commitment to call someone if negative thoughts become intense. Seek out a support group that specializes in your loss, many of them have events targeted to ease the pain during the holidays.

LIGHT. Get sunshine. Winter can take its toll on our emotions due to a loss of sun we experience. Take a walk during lunch if necessary.

INVITE a new same sex friend to see a movie, have dinner, or help decorate the house.

SET BOUNDARIES. Precisely explain to your family and friends what you are capable of doing this year, and what you aren’t. Don’t let others guilt you into taking on more than you can handle.

UNDERSTAND OTHERS. People who have never suffered loss may not understand your sadness or sorrow during the holidays. In particular if your loss isn’t obvious such as the death of a loved one, you may need to explain why you are struggling.

BE CREATIVE. Do something completely different this year. Visit a friend, take a cruise, go to the mountains or the beach, go skiing or hiking. Find someone else who may be struggling this year and brainstorm. The list is endless.

December 27: Ten Lies that Lead to Divorce

Robyn — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 17:50:41 +0000

By Dr. Linda Mintle

In my book Divorce Proofing Your Marriage, I expose ten common lies people embrace that eventually leads to divorce. This book confronts our thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions that influence how we behave and the choices we make. So if you want to strengthen your marriage or stop the slippery slide to divorce, first check your thoughts and ask, “Are my thoughts reflective of the secular culture or the Bible?” You may be surprised how far your thinking has strayed from the Bible’s restorative theme.Read more at Growthtrac Ten Lies that Lead to Divorce, Christian Marriage Articles – Growthtrac http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/divorce-lies-1394.php#ixzz1hl4w7gzX

Here’s a brief overview of the ten lies that can lead to divorce. Do your own self-check.

Lie #1: Marriage is a contract.
Yes, marriage is a legal contract, but in God’s eyes it is much more. The truth is marriage is a covenant, an unbreakable promise. It is life commitment. It means “for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.” It means loving someone when you don’t feel like it, staying faithful, and working through difficulty and bad times.

Lie #2: I married you, not your family.
The truth is you don’t marry just your spouse; you get her family as a package deal! Don’t kid yourself and think the outlawed in-laws don’t matter. Your spouse grew up in a family that taught her how to be who she is today. Yes, there are other influences and people can change, but family is a primary force in the development of any individual.

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Lie #3: I can change my spouse.
Wrong! The fact that she’s continually late or her apartment is a mess is not likely to change because of your undying love. Pay attention to the red flags you see during the dating relationship, especially the more serious ones, such as drinking too much, violent temper, promise breaking, etc. Chances are these things won’t improve but worsen after the honeymoon is over. The truth: all you have control over is your reaction to your spouse. That’s the only part you can change.

Lies #4: We are too different.
Differences are not a major problem as long as the differences are not about life values and morals. Incompatibility doesn’t kill a relationship. The real issue is how you handle your differences. You need compatible styles that work for both people. Some differences are unsolvable and couples need to learn to accept those. And the Bible gives clear guidelines on how to deal with conflict in a Christ-like way.

Lie #5: I’ve lost that loving feeling and it’s gone, gone, gone!
Intense passion doesn’t last forever but love can stay for a lifetime. You may not always feel love but you must determine to love your partner as yourself. The loving feeling dwindles when couples lock into negative patterns that lead them away from each other. Criticism moves to contempt and highly defensive behavior that eventually leads to emotional distance. The truth is you can restore that loving feeling with a number of changes. One is to make five positive statements to your spouse for every negative one. Other changes focus on building friendship and support. I don’t doubt when men tell me they no longer feel love for their wives. I just want them to understand that loving feelings can be rekindled.

Lie #6: A more traditional marriage will save us.
Out of frustration, many men feel that if their relationship could be more like the Brady Bunch couple, life would be happier. They are confused about gender roles and responsibilities. Submission is a misunderstood and often abused concept. God’s intention for marriage is gender equality. On two occasions, God revealed His will on earth concerning gender–in the Garden and in the life of Christ. Look to those examples of how men and women should interact. You will find that no matter how you negotiate the relationship, you need mutual submission, respect, honor, empowerment and empathy.

Lie #7: I can’t change–this is who I am: take it or leave it.
An unwillingness to change is rooted in rebellion. It’s doing things your way versus God’s. To say you can’t change obviates the entire Christian experience of salvation and change of heart. Yes, we are always striving for perfection but the operative phrase is that we should be striving. This requires a willingness to look at your behavior and work towards being more like Christ. If both spouses in marriage would do this regularly, divorce would be less prevalent. Change doesn’t happen when you don’t embrace it. You can change but it requires desire, obedience and Holy Spirit driven power.

Lie #8: There’s been an affair. We need to divorce.
Affairs are serious and damaging but they are not beyond repair if both spouses agree to try. There must be a commitment to cut off the affair, a time of repentance, forgiveness and a rebuilding of the relationship. The covenant has been broken but can be restored if a couple chooses to do so. It’s not easy but possible.

Lie #9: It doesn’t matter what I do: God will forgive me.
God will forgive you if you repent but it does matter what you do. Your behavior has natural, as well as spiritual consequences so don’t cheapen God’s grace.

Lie #10: It’s too broken.
If you’ve given up, the future looks hopeless, you’ve grown apart, can’t manage conflict, made a mistake or whatever the problem, believe that God can work when you can’t. He can change hearts, do miracles and work in the most difficult circumstances. He is the God of the possible. Draw close to Him, intercede for your marriage, do battle with your true enemy (Satan) and expect God to work on your behalf.

If you and your partner stay intimately connected to God, your marriage will reflect that intimacy. Divorce doesn’t have to happen. Recognize the cultural lies that influence you and counteract them with biblical truth. No marriage is beyond the probability of divorce but you can be proactive in preventing it. It’s time to improve on the divorce statistics and divorce proof your marriage.

December 20: Dancing With the One You Love

Robyn — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 16:20:27 +0000

Dancing With the One You Love

Get the Cindy Easley book, Dancing With The One You Love

By Cindy Easley

A Divine Picture
Maybe you’ve heard that old saying, “You may be the only Bible that some people ever read.” Perhaps that is what God intended in a Christian marriage, as described in Ephesians 5:23-27:

For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

What an awesome responsibility!

When Michael loves me as Christ loved the church and when I respond in submission to him, we are a divine picture for the entire world to see. This certainly makes our marriages appear different from the model the world is trying to sell! The husband is to sacrificially love his wife. The wife is to voluntarily cooperate with her husband in everything.

What if every Christian marriage lived by these principles? Our marriages would be divine! Our neighbors, our coworkers, and our families would all demand to know how to achieve such great marriages for themselves. And we would have the answer! We would be in the perfect position to share the love of Christ with them. Yes, God, I Get It!

As I have chased the idea of submission through the Bible, one portion of Scripture was the final straw that convinced me of God’s opinion on this subject:

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man,he humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross! (Phil. 2:5-8)

Jesus Christ chose humility over pride. He is equal with God in all respects, because He is God. Yet He willingly left the throne of heaven to live as a servant on earth.

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Jesus took on hunger, exhaustion, grief, temptation, disappointment, and abuse from the very people He came to save. He voluntarily cooperated with God the Father in a plan that required His painful death on our behalf. He humbled Himself.

Humility seems to be an important character trait in God’s economy. The Bible is full of Scriptures that reveal God’s attitude toward those who are humble in spirit. This, more than any other argument, has clarified my thoughts concerning my role in the marriage relationship:

“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6).

Submission requires humility.

I am a proud creature. I can’t think of a better way for God to mold me in His image on a daily basis. When I choose to humble myself and respect my husband, placing myself under his authority, I can almost feel God whisper, “Well done.”

Adapted from Dancing With The One You Love

December 13: Recycle Your Marriage!

Robyn — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 16:53:09 +0000

Recycle Your Marriage

By Carol Hatcher

“What are you going to do with that?”, she reached her wrinkled hand across the generations between us and placed it on mine.

“Umm. Throw it away?”, I said in more of a question than an answer.

“Oh, this would be great to make little ornaments.” My husband’s grandmother recycles everything. She saves butter tub lids, the little cotton in the tops of the medicine bottles, and the inner wrappers from the cheese cracker boxes. She comes from a time when you didn’t throw anything away.

Even with the focus on going green, we live in a disposable society. Paper napkins, cups, and plates make washing dishes a thing of the past. At the doctor’s office, you’ll be handed a throwaway gown, and the airline gives throwaway pillows.

Unfortunately, we’ve also bought into the idea of disposable marriages. When your husband leaves his wet towel on the floor or your wife never looks your way, the world tells us, toss ‘em. It’s the same disposable mentality we find on aisle 6 of the grocery store.

Care must be given to things meant to remain. We brush and floss our teeth each night hoping they will last a lifetime. We hand wash the china passed down from our great-grandmother to protect the gold from rubbing off the edges. Hours are spent bringing old muscle cars back to their original glory. Time and effort are necessary in restoring or maintaining something we plan to keep.

With the current push for Americans to recycle, the number of recyclers still hovers between 70-80 percent depending on the area of the nation. The divorce rate, however, lingers around 50 percent.

So, why not recycle our marriages?

Webster’s definition for recycle is to pass again through a series of changes or treatments, to reuse, or bring back. If we want a lasting marriage (and we should), sometimes it’s necessary to pass our marriage through a series of changes to bring it back.

So what can you do to recycle your marriage? Here are a handful of ideas to get you started:

1. Discover your spouse’s love language and speak it.
Gary Chapman’s book 5 Love Languages is a great book to help you understand how to express love to your mate in the way they need it. Chapman’s five love languages are gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Often we show our spouse love the way we want to be shown it, not the way they need to hear it. Find which love language your spouse speaks, and use it often.

2. Practice the 10-second kiss at least once a day.
You’d be surprised what a little lip-lock can do to jump-start a marriage. Make it a habit to kiss good-bye and hello each day. Then turn up the heat by prolonging your kiss at least ten seconds – the longer, the better. Even if it feels a bit awkward at first, hang in there. Before long, you’ll forget you were counting and get carried away in the moment. Trust me, some eyebrows will be rising, and they might just be your own!

3. Check in during the day.
With today’s advanced technology, there is no excuse for not communicating. Drop a quick “hope your day is going well.” Whether you text, email, or use the old fashioned telephone, contact your mate at some point while you’re apart. If you’re busy, just say so but follow with, “I was just thinking about/praying for/missing you.” A little effort goes a long way.

4. Apologize for old hurts.
If there are any unresolved issues, apologize for any hurt feelings that may have occurred as a result of you. Drop assumptions at the door and discuss the true issue. Remember, it’s important for all parties to feel like they are being heard. Use the rules of active listening, and repeat what you hear to make sure there isn’t a kink in the line of communication. Then share your feelings in a way that isn’t accusatory. Don’t forget to keep your voices low. Yelling only creates tension.

5. Pray for your spouse.
Praying for your mate is always a good idea, especially if your marriage is in dire need of repair. An amazing thing happens with prayer. When we pray for those who hurt us, our hearts soften, and we often realize where our own faults lie, as well. Prayer is free, it’s simple, and you can do it any time of the day.

If your marriage is cracked, beat-up, or you are just plain fed up, don’t be so quick to throw it out with the crumpled paper napkins. Marriages really aren’t meant to be disposable. With time, effort and a little TLC, you can recycle your marriage to last for years to come.

“Umm. Throw it away?”, I said in more of a question than an answer.

With the current push for Americans to recycle, the number of recyclers still hovers between 70-80 percent depending on the area of the nation. The divorce rate, however, lingers around 50 percent.

So, why not recycle our marriages?

So what can you do to recycle your marriage? Here are a handful of ideas to get you started:

December 6: Before You Touch Her……

Robyn — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:36:47 +0000

Before You Touch Her

Continued — Read More | Page: 1 2

Get the CJ Mahaney book, Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God

By CJ Mahaney

Growing up, I hated school and studying. Well, I hated most studying. But I loved two local sports teams: the University of Maryland Terps — specifically, the basketball team — and my beloved Washington Redskins. Somehow I acquired an impressive body of knowledge about these teams, even as I continued to get lousy grades in school.

While class work was mostly drudgery, learning about the Terps and Skins was effortless joy. I loved to watch them, think about them, read about them, talk about them, and listen to games on the radio. To absorb everything I possibly could about these guys — to study them — was rich food for my schoolboy’s soul.

Why was that kind of learning so easy for me when formal education was so hard? What made the difference?

Passion.

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No secret there. What we love, we want to learn about. And what we love to study, we come to love even more. That’s just the way God has wired us. I loved the Terps and Skins; so learning about them and growing in my zeal for them was a totally natural process.

I still enjoy following those teams, but my strongest passions now lie elsewhere.

My highest and greatest love will always be reserved for God, for when I was His enemy and worthy of His righteous wrath, in His great mercy He sent His only Son to live a perfect life and die a perfect death in my place. But after my love for God, nothing compares to the passion I hold for Carolyn, my wife.

Because I have this passion for her, I have studied her. I’ve noticed and noted details about her. All kinds of details. Everything from the kinds of snacks she likes, to what certain facial expressions reveal, to this one particular freckle that only I see.

It has been my privilege to be a student of Carolyn since before our engagement. As I have studied her—seeking to learn what pleases, excites, honors, encourages, refreshes, and helps her — my love for her has only increased.

The truth that can change your marriage
There is a truth that should be emblazoned on the heart of every husband. If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this:

In order for romance to deepen, you must touch the heart and mind of your wife before you touch her body.

This, gentlemen, is a truth that can change your marriage. Nothing kindles erotic romance in a marriage like a husband who knows how to touch the heart and mind of his wife before he touches her body.

Too often we reverse the order. We touch her body prematurely and expect that she will respond immediately and passionately. Normally that’s not how it works.

Some of you have been married a relatively short time, while others have spent decades with your wife. Whatever your situation, we all have this in common: There is still much we can and should be learning about that unique and precious woman who is our wife, that gift from God to whom we have pledged our lifelong devotion. There are two primary ways we can learn how to touch her heart and mind: by studying her and by asking her questions.

If you have children living in the home, then of all the questions you could ask her, this one is especially revealing:

Do you feel more like a mother or a wife?

(If you don’t have children at home, replace “mother” with whatever role is likely to be in competition with “wife.” It might be something like “homemaker,” “employee,” or “professional.” Then you can apply the principles in this section to your specific circumstances.)

There can be a selfish, sinful tendency among husbands to view their wives as a goal that, once achieved, is then taken for granted. That is how a wife with children comes to feel primarily like a mother. And that is why the very idea of asking a question like this can cause many husbands to swallow hard and consider going off to watch a little TV. But please don’t — I want this to be an encouragement to you.

There may be many children in your family, from infants to 20-somethings. A variety of legitimate activities may consume huge quantities of your wife’s time. Health, finances, or other factors may present significant, ongoing challenges. But whatever your situation, if you make it a priority to love and care for your wife as Christ does the Church, God will touch her heart so that, even when surrounded by diapers, dishes, and diseases, she can answer that question with joy: “I feel more like a wife.”

Not for a moment am I denying the importance of a mother’s role. Carolyn and I have four children (with our grandchildren count continuing to rise). Motherhood is exceptionally important. It calls for immense sacrifices and deserves great honor. But I can say with full conviction that according to Scripture, motherhood is never to be a wife’s primary role. In fact, I think the most effective mothers are wives who are being continually, biblically romanced by their husbands.

As for you, your primary role is not to raise your children (or to excel in your career or immerse yourself in hobbies or anything else) but to build a marriage by God’s grace that reflects the relationship between Christ and the Church. That’s why the most effective fathers are husbands who make it their aim to love their wives biblically.

Godly children, whose lives bring much glory to the Lord and much delight to their parents, come from truly biblical marriages. As you learn more and more how to love and lead your wife as Christ does the Church, you will become a more godly, wise, loving, compassionate, Christlike father to your children. And your wife will become more full of joy, hope, and peace and will radiate more of the love and grace of God in all she does.

Your children should be able to look at your life and know beyond any doubt that they have the great privilege of being the most important people in the world to you … right after their mom.

Learning and gathering
As a romancer of my wife, I know that my essential role is that of a student and a planner. So I constantly keep my eyes and ears open for ideas to record. I’ve been known not to hear my name called in a doctor’s office because I am furiously scribbling information from a magazine article.

I keep track of good getaway spots, ideas for dates, and many other bits of useful information. I know what to record because I have studied my wife — her life, her preferences, and her responsibilities — and have learned what makes her tick, romantically speaking. And I learned a long time ago that no matter how amazed or impressed I am by an idea or thought, I almost certainly will forget it if I don’t write it down. These notes are my building blocks for creating and cultivating a more romantic marriage.

November 29: The Blame Game

Robyn — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 17:23:31 +0000

The Blame Game

Get the Ron Deal book, The Smart Stepfamily

By Ron Deal

“I just can’t put my finger on it, Ron. For some reason, I just can’t break through the walls my stepkids are putting up.” Weston had been a stepdad for just six months, but was feeling defeated and discouraged. “My wife and I go back and forth trying to figure out what’s going on, but mostly we don’t agree. And even when we do, we’re not sure what to do about it.”

When stepparents and stepchildren struggle to connect or have a strained relationship, family members naturally look for something—or someone—to blame. Biological parents sometimes blame the stepparent for not trying hard enough to emotionally connect with the child. Stepparents might blame the child for not opening up to them or the noncustodial parent for running interference. Children (including adult stepchildren) may blame their parent for a quick remarriage or their stepfather for some personality attribute they find uninviting. Siblings, extended family members, even ex-spouses get into the mix with their blame theory of why people don’t get along. Blame has been part of tense relationships since the first family on earth; when stepparents and stepchildren struggle to connect, stepfamilies have their share of blame games, too.

The first two years of stepparent-stepchild relationships tend to be tense and stressful for everyone. During this tumultuous period many stepparents became increasingly distant because their efforts are rebuffed by the children; adolescents in particular have the ability to discourage stepparents from continuing to build relationship. Yet despite obstacles research consistently reveals that stepparents who eventually develop close bonds with stepchildren remain persistent in their efforts to communicate with the child and establish a warm, friendly relationship. They do so by engaging the child in activities that are of interest to the child (not just activities that are of interest to the stepparent), they found opportunities to talk directly with the child, communicated empathy and compassion for the child, and shared their desire to get along.

But while it’s clear that smart stepparents are persistent in seeking connection with their stepchildren, the absence of this connection cannot be blamed entirely on them. True, stepparents sometimes stop affinity-seeking behaviors far too quickly or prefer a distant parenting posture to a close, connected one. But children can also contribute to the problem by blocking or ignoring their stepparent’s efforts to get close. They may not value the new relationship, have much in common with a stepparent, or find themselves unable to resolve a loyalty conflict with their biological parent. Even still, sometimes biological parents themselves block the stepparent’s attempts at connection, even though doing so only sabotages their stated goals of a “blended” family.

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My point is this: there can be a myriad of dynamics at play in the evolving relationships between stepparents and stepchildren. Placing blame is nearly always shortsighted and only begets defensiveness. Instead of finding blame for the past, your family is much better served by shared efforts to grow relationships and build toward the future.

Stepparents should commit themselves to a stubborn loving presence in the lives of their stepchildren, even if they aren’t currently open to reciprocating the relationship. Success is not found in technique or an amount of shared activity. The most important thing you have to offer is you; love them with an undeniable, unconditional love (just like God loves you) and eventually most children will be won over.

Biological parents should commit to valuing the relationship your spouse currently has with your children. Their relationship probably isn’t as strong as you’d prefer, but constantly being discouraged over what isn’t is a drag on everyone’s ability to enjoy what is. No, you don’t have to be satisfied if they have a weak, strained relationship. But do try to appreciate what is going well for them. Building on strengths is always more productive than casting blame or focusing solely on deficits.

Read more at Growthtrac The Blame Game, Christian Marriage Articles – Growthtrac http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/stepfamily-blame-1364.php#ixzz1f1YeWqsK