Get the Jay & Laura Laffoon book, He Said, She Said

By Jay & Laura Lafdfoon

One day I was talking with Billy about my friend Scott Davis, a very good player. I was sharing with Billy my amazement at the size of the divots Scott produces. Seriously, some of his divots are so big they resemble beaver pelts! (A divot is the piece of sod that is “cut” out of the ground by the club when one properly hits down on the golf ball.)

Without hesitation, Billy went into a lesson on the importance of properly replacing a divot. If the divot is replaced immediately, the ground will heal in as little as twenty-four hours. However,if an hour passes before the divot is replaced, it can take up to a week for the ground to heal. Finally, if that divot sits for a day, it becomes unable to reattach its root system. The ground can take up to a month to grow new grass.

Harsh words spoken in marriage leave scars in our spouse much like the golf club leaves a scar in the ground upon contact. We have received countless comments over the years on how “replacing verbal divots” has helped marriages tremendously.

When we realize that the words of our mouth or the tone of our voice has “cut” our spouse, then the sooner we address the issue, the more quickly the cut heals. When we admit our mistake immediately, the healing begins immediately. However, if we wait for an hour or two, often the healing takes longer. If we wait days — or weeks — to address the words of our mouth, the scar can be permanent.

No one gets this right 100 percent of the time. The key is to pay attention to the signs our spouses give that indicate our words have had a negative impact. I still deal with tone of voice issues, just like I’m still learning how to hit that low hooking three wood. But, just like I do with my golf game, I’m listening to the Pro and attempting to improve my “swing” when it comes to the words I have for Laura.

Let’s Rewrite History
Adolf Hitler said, “If you repeat a lie often enough, people will believe it is true.” History shows us the unfortunate power of that principle. Likewise, if you repeat the truth often enough, people will believe it is true. Truth will change their lives forever.

This is about powerful words that speak the truth to your spouse in ways they will understand. We all know men and women think differently. They speak differently and hear differently too.We are going to unlock the mystery behind your spouse’s words as we share eight phrases that will revolutionize communication in your marriage. But before you turn the page, we want to tell you that these words alone will not improve your relationship. Rote repetition of these powerful phrases will not automatically make your marriage better. Communication is more than the simple “mechanics” of human conversation.

Discovering the phrases that will change your relationship with your mate is important. But equally important is speaking those phrases with your heart. Make sure your spouse hears your heart as well as your words. Marriage is about revealing to your spouse the depth of who you really are and how you really feel. That truth will change your marriage forever.

Questions for Reflection
Take a moment and reflect on a time when words:

• encouraged or inspired you
• hurt or harmed you
• made you laugh

 

Four phrases that a wife needs to hear from her husband and four phrases that a husband needs to hear from his wife. She needs to hear:

• I love you
• I respect you
• I desire you
• I cherish you

 

He needs to hear:

• I am proud of you
• I need (blank) from you
• I want you
• I believe in you
• At first glance, which of these phrases do you need to hear the most? The least? Why?
• At first glance, which of these phrases do you think your spouse needs to hear the most? The least? Why?

 

Karen & Rich Reynolds September 24

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September  Birthdays

Sue Evenson September 7

Elsie Rosenthal September 8

Bill Corwin September 10

Paul Draegert September 20

George Houchin September 21

Judith Miller September 23

Rev. Joe Wilcox September 23

Rich Reynolds September 24

Scott Totsch September 25

Gail Stickels September 28

Edward Richter September 29

We will have a group on Thursday and on Sundays.  The Thursday night group will be at 6:15pm in the sanctuary at the church on Thursday the 16th of September.  The Sunday group will begin at 6pm and begins on Sunday the 19th with the place still to be determined – but in the Gurnee area!

You can sign up on the bulletin board in the narthex or by calling the church office at 847-247-8568 or emailing Robyn at fccgurnee@sbcglobal.net!

This week I was reading through Philippians 2:5-11 and discovered another fabulous passaged dealing with the mind of Christ.  And for the past few weeks I have found passage after passage  dealing with this very important topic.  And that tells me that what is in our minds is a very big deal.  Jesus tells us that what is in our minds is just as important as what we do.   (Check out Matthew 5) 

Here is what I have learned about having the mind of Christ means.  The mind of Christ is a renewed mind.  (Romans 12:2)   The mind of Christ is a loving mind (Luke 10:27) The mind of Christ is a peaceful mind (Luke 12:29)  It is a humble  (Romans 12:16) and obedient to God’s commands.   (2 Corinthians 8:12)  The final thing I would share with you may be the most important.  A Christ filled mind is a mind that focuses on the things above. (Colossians 3:2)    This last focus can help us right away – because if it is Godly – Christ thought about it and so can you!  Think about these things – “If it is true, honorable, just, pure, excellant, or praiseworthy – think about these things.  (Philippians 4:8) 

The mind of Christ – the good news is, can also be yours. 

Blessings on the journey,

Your PastorDude – David

Are You OUT of YOUR Mind?

By Steve Arterburn

Relationship addicts live in a world of paradoxes that leaves them feeling they have no way out. They desperately want to get close to someone, but end up with a person whose problems make closeness impossible. They seek security, but end up with someone who always leaves the back door open for a quick get-away.

Relationship addicts crave unconditional love, but live in constant fear of abandonment if they don’t live up to their own impossible standards. They want to be free to love, but often trap themselves in a relationship by becoming pregnant or by weaving some other type of emotional spider web. Drowning in the whirlpool of their own emotions, they turn to a rescuer who cannot swim.

Many common characteristics can be found in people who suffer from this form of addiction.

   1. Early deprivation. Relationship addicts were often rejected or abandoned in childhood, and may well have been the victims of physical or psychological abuse.

   2. Feeling unloved or rejected by the world. Viewing life through the lens of their own painful experience, addicts assume that the world is just one big dysfunctional family.

   3. Insecure. Addicts are full of fear and doubt, overwhelmed by the stresses of daily living. The only way they see to survive is to attach themselves to someone else.

   4. Attempt to earn love. Relationship addicts become perfectionistic toward themselves, setting standards they can never hope to attain. They believe they have to be “good enough” to be loved by another.

   5. Attempt to “fix” others. Relationship addicts try repeatedly to “fix” others, usually persons who do not want to be fixed. But the drive to save someone causes the addict to hang onto a relationship long after others would have left.

   6. Attracted to very needy people. Anyone with an obvious need or deficiency becomes a magnet: the needier they are, the less likely they will be to walk away; also the needier they are, the more likely they need fixing.

   7. Attracted to abusive or emotionally distant people. Addicts are often attracted to people cut from the same mold as their own parents, often in an attempt to symbolically win the parents’ favor and love. By the same token, addicts are often uncomfortable around healthy people who might be strong enough to live without them.

   8. Move quickly from attraction to attachment. Addicts “latch on” to someone with remarkable speed, in hopes of cementing a relationship.

   9. The main goal of the relationship is to keep it going. It may be a disastrous and destructive relationship, but it seems better to addicts than no relationship at all. As long as it is still alive, there remains hope that it may improve.

  10. A striking absence of whole, healthy people in their lives. The roster of past relationships and acquaintances is filled almost exclusively with damaged and needy people, in contrast to whom the addict can appear healthy and normal.

  11. Walking on eggshells. Relationship addicts are afraid of rocking the boat. They are excruciatingly cautious about everything they do, in an effort to avoid the wrath of others.

  12. Appear to be meeting others’ needs first. But in fact, everything addicts do, even the things that look the most sacrificial, are done to meet their own need to be loved and needed. They appear unselfish, but are in fact willing to let another person spend a lifetime in distress if it guarantees their role as “fixer.”

  13. Failure to recognize their own needs. Relationship addicts are unable to see the selfishness of their own motives. They may believe they need to be more assertive, when in fact what they need is to resolve their own selfish need to be needed.

  14. Outbursts of rage. Relationship addicts try to keep their anger bottled up. But they cannot do so forever. Sooner or later their pent-up anger explodes. Such outbursts are followed by periods of deep remorse and attempts to make things right again – to forestall the dreaded abandonment.

  15. Never ask for help. Rather than seek help, addicts prefer to battle their problems alone. They cannot risk being found out – allowing someone else to discern the true nature and extent of their problems.

  16. Discomfort at having others do things for them. This only causes the addict more guilt, and greater fear of not “measuring up.”

  17. No hope of ever finding a truly loving relationship. Early childhood experience has convinced them that it will never happen.

  18. Inordinate patience. Addicts astonish their friends by their ability to “hang in” for years without the faintest glimmer of hope for change in their destructive relationship.

  19. Euphoria at the start of any new relationship. Relationship addicts constantly assure themselves and others that this time is going to be different. Overblown hopes and expectations are attached to each new prospect.

  20. Feeling responsible for all problems. Addicts assess everything that happens in terms of their own efforts. If anything goes wrong, it must have been their fault.

  21. Defensive about everything. Addicts place so much performance pressure on themselves that they are resentful of perceived attempts to add more.

  22. Feelings of inadequacy. Relationship addicts never look right, weigh the right amount, or say the right things. They find it impossible to live up to their own expectations.

  23. Alienated from others. Addicts feel like outcasts – as if everyone else but them has been given the manual on how to make human life work.

  24. Starved for affirmation. Addicts draw what little self-esteem they have from the sense that they are trying hard and doing a good job. They feast on others’ comments about how loyal and patient they are.

  25. Sex is despised. Sex is only a means to an end, not a source of joy and pleasure in its own right. It is to be endured, never enjoyed, if that is the price to maintain the relationship.

  26. Control is a virtue. Addicts will seek out needy people whom they are able to manipulate and dominate. They may appear to be subservient to a domineering spouse. In reality, however, it is they who have the upper hand.

  27. Never-ending search for happiness. Relationship addicts are martyrs. They so accustom themselves to the apparently hopeless pursuit of happiness that they actually resist finding it.

  28. Masters of manipulation. Addicts will invest extraordinary amounts of time and energy determining what patterns of behavior will produce the desired effects in other people. They learn how to elicit attention, how to elicit affection, even how to elicit anger.

  29. Frequently depressed. Because of their past rejection and abandonment, relationship addicts have few emotional resources to draw on in times of stress. Instead, they simply shut down.

  30. Multiple compulsive behaviors. The emotional turmoil that accompanies relationship addiction cannot lie dormant. Frequently it finds expression in other problems, such as compulsive overeating, spending, or gambling. These compulsive behavior patterns become increasingly intertwined.

  31. Self-doubt. Relationship addicts are plagued by insecurity and are never sure of themselves. They constantly vacillate in even the most routine decisions.

  32. See themselves and others as victims. If their partner is a sex addict, it is because others have deviously seduced him. If he is an alcoholic, it is because of the stress others have placed him under.

  33. Life is an act of compensation. Relationship addicts try to compensate for what they did not have as a child by manipulating others to get what they want. They compensate for weakness by acting strong. They compensate for selfishness by creating the appearance of selflessness.

  34. Mind-reading. Since the way to find acceptance is to please others and meet their expectations, addicts engage in a never-ending mind game: What does someone else really want? To come right out and ask would be to tip their hand.

  35. Anger over unmet needs. Addicts never express their own needs. Indeed, they may be largely unaware of them. But they go through life with a vague sense of being “ripped off.”

Relationship addicts find themselves trying to fix the whole world, one relationship at a time. Each time will be the last time, they tell themselves, because each time they are convinced that “This is the one that will work.” Or, in the case of a codependent who returns again and again to the same destructive relationship, “this time it will be different.”

Finally they come to the end of their own strength and seek God in order to resolve the hurts of the past and help them focus authentically on the needs of others. Apart from such a spiritual intervention and a move toward a genuine focus on others, relationship addicts are doomed to a cycle of misery and futility. They can never fix what only God can fix. They must recognize that it is in the depths of their own broken hearts that God wants to begin the process of recovery.

From the book “Addicted To Love” by Steve Arterburn

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Focus Change You will no longer be able to give your spouse all your personal attention. Both you and your spouse must commit to not take this reality personally. You are not neglecting your partner, just taking some time that you would have spent with each other to devote to your new baby. However, it’s important to continue to make time together a top priority. Infants take around-the- clock care, so what happens to your marriage relationship during this time? Ask God to give you a realistic glimpse of what your current priority list looks like and if any adjustments should be made before the baby arrives.

Less Time Together Making time for just the two of you (without your baby) may become your new creative project. It was so easy before to be together. There were no distractions, but soon things will be different. It will take more effort from you and your spouse to make sure that you are continuing to nurture your relationship. Consider regular date nights or spending time together when your child is asleep. Remember, you can’t have a growing relationship with someone if you neglect to spend time nurturing that relationship.

Oneness How in tune you feel with your spouse has the potential to decrease after having a child. But this doesn’t need to be the case! Remember that technically you are one. Genesis 2:24 says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Both you and your spouse MUST make the effort to continue nurturing your marriage relationship. Your oneness will affect the life of your child. It really will. Think about your own parents. Did they enjoy one another? What did that look like to you? What does enjoying each other look like in your own relationship? How do you know when your spouse is enjoying you?

Hobbies Now that you have a child, you may not find time to train for a mini-marathon, or your husband may not find time to rebuild the engine on his ‘66 Mustang convertible. Both of you may discover that your hobbies and interests change to include your child. Consider using free time as family time or take small family outings, such as trips to the zoo, picnics in the park, or shopping trips to the store. Yes, even your shopping trips will change. Although you may increase in shared interests, continue to hold on to some essential individual interests too. Try to create a healthy balance between both.

Freedoms Both you and your spouse will have less time to do your own thing.  You may even reminisce about the days before you had kids, days when you could visit your friends without packing up a minivan.  Freedom changes do not have to mean life sentences for either of you.  New beginnings will fall in place.  This can be a difficult transition for some men (and some women too).  Pray that you and your spouse will be able to release individual freedoms in order to gain new family devotion together.  

Your spouse plays an important role in how you will parent.  We know that within marriage we “become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV) with our spouses, and we also know that “a house divided against itself will fall” (Luke 11:17, NIV).  So if we are one we must act as one and parent as one.  The only other option is to fail based on division.  Without God, it isn’t possible to create the oneness He intends.  But with Him and with pursuit, we “can do all things” (Philippians 4:13).

Parenthood hopefully brings along the gift of joy, but when it does not many are left feeling unprepared. Countless hours are spent during pregnancy examining every how-to books from childbirth to child rearing. Little to no time remains to reflect upon the emotional changes life brings with having a child and the impact one child can have upon your marriage. In most cases, the child is not the problem. Rather, the problem is often embedded in life with a child and the sudden changes that a child brings. Life is no longer left to us as individuals.

So what is Postpartum Depression (PPD), and how can it impact me or my spouse? Postpartum Depression is a mood disorder largely due to the hormonal changes occurring within the body. This disorder has three varying degrees: baby blues, postpartum depression, and postpartum psychosis (major depression). Persistent low mood for two weeks or more, inadequacy, feelings of failure, hopelessness or helplessness, exhaustion, emptiness, sadness or tearfulness, guilt, shame, anxiety or panic, withdraw for normal activities, lack of interest in pleasurable things, fear of harming baby or being alone or going out, etc.

Postpartum baby blues can affect as many as 50-80% of all women. 1 in 5 of those women go on to experience Postpartum depression . While, leading research currently suggest that 10% of all dads experience some form of depression during the postpartum period . With both parents having potential to acquire Postpartum depression, what can be done to protect your new family and marriage?

Are there ways to prevent and ward off postpartum depression? Start with these preventive methods:

Talk about your fears and expectations with your spouse.

Discuss the framework of your childhoods together. Take turns answering questions like: How were you raised? What was common at home? How were you disciplined? Did you feel a sense of love and acceptance? What did you like? What didn’t you like? Together compose a plan that you both agree on and that works for you.

Hobbies Now that you have a child, you may not find time to train for a mini-marathon, or your husband may not find time to rebuild the engine on his ‘66 Mustang convertible. Both of you may discover that your hobbies and interests change to include your child. Consider using free time as family time or take small family outings, such as trips to the zoo, picnics in the park, or shopping trips to the store. Yes, even your shopping trips will change. Although you may increase in shared interests, continue to hold on to some essential individual interests too. Try to create a healthy balance between both.

Let your weaknesses make you strong. Be aware and identify your weaknesses early on. We all have them. Admitting we are unable is often the starting block towards real emotional healing.

Create a support network now. Identify all the individuals in your life that are able to help you once the baby arrives. Talking to them may not be necessary at this point, but knowing you have support before it is needed can be vital.

Acquire mentor support — Ask an older, wiser person to take you under their wing. This person will hopefully feed into your life possibly being a lifeline in your time of need. Every one of us can learn more from those who have journeyed before us.

Do it your way — Parent your way. Do what works for you as a couple! Take suggestions and ask for advice, but ultimately you are the parents. You know what you need. Do what’s best for you and your family.

Remember your freedom. We are free in Christ (Gal. 5:1). It truly helps when we know who we really are in Christ, but even if you don’t know yet, remind yourself daily that you are called to His freedom!

What happens if you or your spouse find you struggle with postpartum depression? Exhaust every preparation tool available, but remember in some cases depression may not be avoided. If one of you finds yourself within these shoes, keep in mind changing hormones and chemicals within the postpartum body are the focus of most leading theories for women. For men, leading theories suggest sleep deprivations, stress in the parents’ relationship and isolation from friends as possible causes. Notify your doctor immediately. Make decisions based on medical recommendations and also:

Know you are not alone. Many women and men have felt a similar way.

Ask for help. Get a support network around both of you and your child. Fear and pride can be used to keep you from a lot, but now is not the time to entertain either. If you find you need help, ask family, friends, church groups, doctors, nurses, postpartum support groups, counsellors, and even the neighbour kid next door. Get help, and get as much as you can!

Pray. Prayer is one of the most powerful tools available to us. Pray and ask others to pray for you and with you.

If you find yourself unsure how to help another suffering from PPD (especially if it’s your spouse), try starting with:

Encouragement — Ask what are the best ways you can help?

Encourage them to seek a medical elevation.

Pray and remind them there is hope for each new day.

All new families have to start somewhere. Start with what you know, and continue to grow together in your marriage and in your lives! Remember God will never leave alone on your parenthood journey. “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young” (Isaiah 40:11, ESV).

Excerpts used with permission from Rebecca Dawson’s new book titled, Help! I’m a Mom To Be!, Blue Room Publications and Production, LLC. 2010.

Have you ever wondered why you think the things you do?  Do you know that you are in control of what you think about?  As Christians we are called to be different than the world – and to do that – we have to think different!

Guarding Your Thoughts